The Crab Fisherman and the Spirit

Once upon a time, there was a crab fisherman named Phil Harris. He was out fishing with his crew in the waters off of Alaska when they pulled up something strange. It was a little wooden box. It looked ancient, and the crew decided to bring it to Phil. He looked at it and, with curiosity, opened it, and out poured a green misty smoke. The smoke then took the shape of an Eskimo.

“You have freed me from this wretched box I’ve been in for a thousand years. I was put in it by my tribe’s leader. I tried overthrowing him, but failed and was cursed to live in this box for the rest of my life. He used the magic he had learned from the elders to take away my physical body and then turned my soul to smoke so I could never die, which meant I could never go to the after life. To make it worse he trapped me in this box and threw me into the sea. I’ve waited many years for the person who would have saved me, but they never came. I lost faith in mankind and decided that instead of giving them wishes, I would kill the man who freed me.”

Phil pleaded with the spirit to have mercy on them, for they did nothing. The spirit would not listen to him, so Phil said that the spirit can do what he pleases with them, but then asked if he could have a cigarette. The spirit said yes, but said that was all he could have. Phil then asked, “So spirit, you’re made of smoke? How are you going to control where you go?”

“I will let the wind carry me where it wants.” At this Phil pointed the cigarette he was smoking at the spirit and took a deep breath in, and the spirit got sucked through the cigarette into Phil’s lungs. Phil then blew the smoke of the spirit back into the box and shut it quickly. 

“You devilish man! You tricked me! You lied! You had not given up, and I am the creator of my demise by letting you smoke that cigarette. If you let me go I will not harm you in any way and will go on my way and leave you alone! I swear to it!”

“I will not let you out spirit, for you would show no mercy on us. You deserve to stay in that box for the rest of eternity! You deserve the fate Tiger Woods and the caddy.”

Trying to delay Phil, the spirit asked, “What is this story you speak of?”

Tiger Woods and the Caddy

Tiger Woods was a great golfer, actually the greatest golfer. He lived a lavish life, but went into a slump. He couldn’t win any competitions. All his caddies and trainers tried helping him, but none could seem to get him out of this slump. A caddy named Leo from upstate New York went and visited Tiger at his house; he said he could cure Tiger.

“I have these clubs. They were forged in a volcano by Arnold Palmer himself. If you use them, you will become the greatest golfer to ever live.” Tiger tried them and it worked. He started winning every competition he entered.

“I will give you half of every winning, Leo! You are my greatest help and friend!” Soon, Leo and Tiger became richer and richer. They drove the finest cars and lived in the most extravagant houses. They also partied a lot, and Leo began to notice that Tiger would go to private rooms with many different women. Leo knew that Tiger was married but didn’t want to think about him cheating because Tiger was his idol. Tiger’s old caddy became jealous of Leo. He told Tiger that Leo was just using him to get money and that soon he would take the clubs back and use them to become better than Tiger at golfing. Tiger thought this idea was ridiculous and asked his old caddy, “Do you want me to end up like Billy the Man and his trusty horse Betsey?”

 

Billy the Man and his Trusty Horse Betsey

Billy the Man was a wild and crazy gunslinger back in the 1800s. He lived in California. He was hunting down Johnny G and found him sitting in bar. He kept trying to get his horse Betsey, who he had ridden all his life, to go towards the bar, but she kept turning away. He finally got tired of the horse’s games and got off her and, thinking that she had gone crazy, shot her. He then walked with swagger into the bar and shouted, “Johnny G! Your time has come.”

“No, I think yours has,” said Johnny G as he walked up from behind Billy. The man at the bar was just a look-a-like of Johnny G. Billy tried turning around and pulled his Smith and Western a few inches out of its holster when Johnny G blasted 3 shots into Billy’s back. As Billy lay there bleeding out all over the floor of the bar, Johnny G walked out and said, “You should’ve trusted your horse.” 

Now, the old caddy had to try harder to convince Tiger that he was going to betray him. So, the caddy started telling a story he had just made up about Leo being with Tiger’s wife. Tiger’s ego had gotten so big that, even though he cheated on his wife, he didn’t want anyone to be with her, because she was his. All the women were his in his mind.

The next day Leo was called over to Tiger’s party house. He was then ushered into Tiger’s personal ‘man-cave’.

“I hear you have something going on with my wife,” said Tiger and Leo tried talking, but Tiger shushed him. “Now, there’s only one thing that I can do now. I must kill you, for I also fear that you want to steal my clubs. You want my fame don’t you Leo? You want to be me.”

“No! No! I just want to help you! I don’t want the clubs or your wife, and I’ve never been with her, I swear!”

“I don’t want to hear anything from you. You have one day. Make your will. And be back here by dawn.” At this Leo left and went back to his house, followed by two of Tiger’s bodyguards to keep watch on Leo. Leo made out his will and emailed a copy of it to Tiger’s wife. The next day at noon, Leo showed up at Tiger’s and was met by a man with a Cadillac Escalade. He told Leo to get in, and when Leo got in, he put a brick on the gas pedal, and the Escalade drove straight into a pond and Leo drowned.

 The man then had a diver go down and retrieve the brick, and he then had Tiger call the cops and say that Leo just drove into a pond. They made it look like an accident. The SUV was laid out with stuff to make it look like it was Leo’s, and a CD was put under the passenger’s seat to make it look like Leo had gone to reach for it and wasn’t looking when he drove into the pond. They used latex gloves with Leo’s fingerprints on them.

Tiger spent the day at that house with a few women and then left to go back to his regular house. He got in and his wife started yelling at him.

“What are these pictures? Huh?!” She was holding up pictures of Tiger and other women. “Your buddy Leo sent these to me! He said I needed to know what my husband had turned into!” At this she took Tiger’s special clubs he had gotten from Leo, and she started throwing them around and snapping them. She then chased down Tiger with one and he hopped into his Escalade and tried driving away but crashed.

The whole world knew about this, and now Tiger couldn’t get any women, and his special clubs were all broken. He again went into a slump, but this time, there was no one to save him.

“Now you know what will happen to you, spirit.” Phil took a big puff from his cigarette and then threw the box way out into the ocean. “Drinks are on me boys,” Phil said to his crew as they went into the cabin to warm up.

“We don’t have to pay for drinks on this ship!” yelled back a crewmember. At this, Phil went into a fit of laughter, which turned into a fit of coughing.